A Faith Journey

Posts tagged “hurt

Not for the Faint of Heart

Borrowed from OffTheMark.com

Relationships are hard.

They can be more than a bit trying leaving you wondering if they are even worth it!

Last night I found myself telling 2 Wonderful and Beloved friends that from the 365 days a year, I ponder upon this same issue about…well…approximately 360 days of the year. ;)

While I said it in jest, we have a saying in Español:

Entre Broma y Broma, Cae La Pedrada.

Literally translated, between one joke and another, the stone is thrown. Meaning, that to all “Just Playing” or “I’m Kidding, don’t take it so seriously!” or “I was just messing with you” or any variation of these, there is always some truth.  There is always some truth to teasing, to “jokes.”

And while 360 may be way too many days in the year to wonder if getting Married was a good decision, it does occur.

I Love my Other Half.  I do.  That will never change.

But, Dear Lord Help Me!  Sometimes……..

Let’s just say that sometimes his going back to Mommy doesn’t seem like such a bad idea ;)

Not to bash all Mum-In-Laws, I mean, My Mami is one and she is Phenomenal ;) Yeah I know, she IS my Mami, what else am I going to say.  But, I have had the opportuinity to have another Mother-In-Law and I Loved, and still Love and Admire that woman! She taught me so much!  But above all, she treated me like a daughter.  No, better than she treated her own daughters at times!

I remember arriving to El Valle that night.

It was a new town for me.  No family, no friends, no one.

I had never met my Ex-Husbands immediate Family.  They just knew that we got Married because, well, basically because I got Pregnant.  Plain and Simple.

I had met my Ex’s aunt in Cali, and let me tell you!!!  She really, really, really disliked me because I was born in the US.

You see, in her limited way of thinking, the girls that were born and raised in México were so much better than we Pochas (I totally dislike that word, btw).  She believed that México raised, small town raised girls were much better women all the way around for they knew how to make, care for and create a home.  These types of females knew how to serve their husbands and how to behave, appropriately. While we evil US raised girls were selfish, self-centered, and lazy.  According to his Aunt, we did not know how to cook, do laundry, clean…basically, we lacked any domestic skills.

Time and experience proved her wrong and taught me different.

The small town raised girls were more dependent than a US raised girl will ever be.

Granted, there always exist exceptions, I know this, but in general, these are the things I observed.

You see, in the US, we have to be self-sufficient.  Usually both parents work.  Thus, you have to cook for yourself, do your own laundry, clean-up and help around the house because otherwise there will be Hell to pay when your parents get home, for they have been working all day and you’ve been home since 3ish.  So, dinner better be made, the house clean, all chores done and you had better have finished or at least started your homework because you are expected to maintain very good grades.

Contrast this to the small town girl.  Her Mom is usually a Home Maker.  Therefore, the Mom will have breakfast made.  The Mom will do all the cooking, period.  The girl will have to clean her room.  Maybe help with the wash. Otherwise the Mom will do it as she is home all day.
The girl gets home from school, has a snack that the Mom has prepared. She does her homework.  Once done, they will all sit together and crochet, knit, cross-stitch or any variation of these to pass the time until Dad gets home and they have dinner that the Mom prepared.

So…how are they better prepared??  And this is just a very brief overview.

Now, where was I?  Wait while I scroll above….

Okay…re-reading above I am aware that I did not directly but in a very non-upfront kind of way maybe made my Mother-In-Law seem like maybe she’s not the greatest.

Anyway…   ;)

Okay, that’s wrong! Sorry! But she can be difficult at times, as I know she is more than happy to say that and much, much more about me :P

Anywho.  I do Love my Husband, I do.

But yes, relationships are very trying.

There are the misunderstandings.  The different temperaments. The having to adapt. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.  This is the easy part.

It gets ugly when Trust is Lost.  When you discover things that afterward, you wish you hadn’t.

It is horrid when you have to have a “Discussion,” that will undoubtedly lead to a nasty fight.

And Heaven forbid that fight be unfair!  Meaning that slurs are thrown about wrecklessly.  There is no respect for one another as a Creature, a Creation of God.  The roles we are to take are taken for granted or forgotten, abandoned even for the sake of venom being spewed from those lips that you not too long ago perhaps ardently kissed.

But the loss of trust.  That is Hell on Earth!  Not knowing.  Not believing.  Not wanting to accept, to know.

When you are betrayed.  Lied to.  Cheated on.  When that, which you lovingly, trustingly, unconditionally gave them on a silver platter is tossed aside. Thrown to the ground carelessly, no, Wrecklessly…

Trust is one of the worst things, if not THE worst thing to lose.

How do you fill a Being with Love then there are puncture wounds all over through which any attempt not may, but will leak through?

That is one of the Best analogies that I have ever come across!

The Love Tank, if you will, of a Person that has been abused, hurt, cheated on, betrayed, etc will have holes.

At the beginning very big ones, many, many big ones.  With time they may become smaller, but they may be there for a very, very long time.  And as others, especially the person that made those holes try to fill your tank with Love, their words, actions, gestures, will leak through these holes.  Thus, they need to do a lot and frequently in order for the injured one to feel any sort of relief, security, confidence, trust…

When I came across this analogy, I felt that it fully explained my situation with my Other Half.  He tries, very hard at times to provide security and to make me feel loved, the problem lies not just with the holes, but with the fact that when he loses his temper or loses respect for me as his Wife, his Partner, his Tabernacle, he not just makes new holes, but the existing ones grow bigger.

And honestly, nothing frustrates me more than when he tells me he doesn’t know what to do to make things better, therefore he just chooses to make them worse by being a JERK!

It frustrates me because I have time and time again sat with him and shared what things fill me with Confidence, Trust, Security, with Love…but he chooses consistently and constantly to do just the opposite.

It can be and is very trying.  Hence the 360 days ;)

But as I shared with the Lovely Ladies I was with last night, it is those 65 days that make it all worthwhile.

Those days aren’t just I Love You Days, no.  That would be too easy!

On those days, he has these epiphanies as to what a Marriage should be.

On those days, he realizes and shares with me that he understands how his role really IS to be Priest to our Family.

On those days, he is introspective and shares insights about himself that he had many times failed to see.

On those days, he is my Christ. ♥

Relationships are hard.

Relationships are a vocation.

Relationships definitely are not for the weak at heart ;)

And yet, we take them for granted.

How sad.  How very, very sad.

A Shameless Request

And it ends…

Not with a Bang, but with a Whimper…

What a year this has been. We have all had more than our fair share of trials and tribulations.  Of Joyous and Loving Moments, as well.

So then why the whimper?

Because alas, some things do not change.

I grow older, but not wiser.

My skin softer, looser, but not my trials.

My hair lighter, due to the grey, but not my burdens.

Seems a bit melodramatic, que no?

But this is my whimper.  In 2 days I will be talking to their Dad. I know already what he will say.  But still, that hope is always there.  Always.

You see, I have discovered something about myself, which I knew from before, I just never fully accepted it until this year…

I keep busy to not think.  I keep busy to not feel. I keep busy to not confront, face or deal with things.

Hence, so many posts these past 2 days!

But I can put off no longer!  I am drowning in anxiety!  My little Angel has asked me to speak to his Dad on his behalf.  AGAIN…

You see for the past many years, every time my Little Angel comes to see me on break, he never wants to leave.

Totally Understandable, right? I am His Mother for Heaven’s Sake!  Knowing this, you would think their Father would allow him to stay, NO!


And yet again, he has asked me to talk to his Dad.

Why don’t I just pursue this Legally?

As I have put forth before, they, My Babies, have asked me not to do so.
Besides, I would Never want them to have to be faced with going to court and living a Custody Trial.  I’d rather cry myself to sleep every night instead of doing that to them!

I’ll be honest though, I want to.  I want to do it so badly!  I’ve gone as far as doing tons of research and I know I can represent myself, which I did for the divorce as well.  And between us, I didn’t do too bad.
Besides, I can’t stand Family Lawyers!  The Hell that they have put me through!  Via my Ex, of course.  But honestly, when you know a person’s way of expressing themselves, and you receive an affidavit typed up by the lawyer in a tone completely different and unfamiliar, you know who embellished it!

And, I can’t help but laugh, the last time I received a notice to appear in court from his attorney, I got into it with the attorney.  I asked her how she could sleep at night knowing what she did?  I asked her how she could live with herself knowing that she was filling lives, innocent lives, with venom?  Oh I had a Field Day until she said that she refused to be spoken to like that, and my response was, “and yet you send me worse?”  to which I heard a click and dead air.


But going back to the 2nd.  I ask you, the person reading this,  please Pray that this time it’s different!
Please Pray that his Dad, says, you know what, you’re right.  He misses you and he should be able to spend some time with you. When can you come pick him up?

Okay, so I know it won’t be that easy, but a YES!  A Yes, that I can have at least ONE of My Babies with me!!

I know I have lost the other two…

My Mom tells me that my eldest will realize many, many things one day…

I’m so not holding my breath…

As for my Middle Child, he has a Girlfriend, so that’s that!  And what’s more, he and his sister have gotten closer and she is filled with resentment, thus…he is more withdrawn than before…

I have lost them both…

And my Cowardice, my Pride, my Stupidity are to blame!

If only one could go back…there are so many things I would do differently…

Wouldn’t we all?

Do you know that every time I hear my daughter say her Parents this or her Parents that, I feel a dagger pierce my heart?   But I don’t say it.
The way I see it, her, now Step-Mom, has been there more than I have, at least in her eyes, and I cannot compete with that.

It’s like when she tells me that her Grandparents raised her!  Wow!  I just laugh.
And then her Dad apologizes to them, My Babies, for not having chosen a better Mother for them!

When she told me this, I was beside myself!  I asked her if she realized the implications behind such a statement?  Her response was, “Don’t you dare talk bad about my Papi!”

I am glad that She Loves him.  I wish I would have had a Daddy to Love.

But, yes, there’s a but…But what about me?

I get yelled at.  Berated. Disrespected. Humiliated. Shunned. Alienated. You name it…

I still recall with agony in my heart the day she told me, the day of her Graduation, the day I was there…We had driven all the way there with my two youngest brats, over 48 hours to be there, at her and my Middle Child’s Graduation…

We were at my Son’s Graduation when she starts yelling at me in front of complete strangers!
And I stood there and took it…I had to…I Love Her….I wanted to be there…It was so bad, so humiliating that her now Step-Mom was the one to tell me where to go for my Daughter’s Graduation…for she was only yelling and berating me…only to have her call me minutes later to tell me to pack up my stuff and leave…
So no, I did not attend my Daughter’s Graduation for she uninvited me…

My relationship with my daughter has been very much, negative attention is better than no attention.

I fear that if I reprimand, chastise or talk too sternly towards her, she’ll just hang up as she has done in the past.  And this year, with her Dad’s Blessing, she berated me, yelled at me and insulted me…at the foot of their door, in their home, whilst they had a Priest and friends over for lunch…

Yeah, it’s been one Helluva Year….

And now I’m kicking off the next one with a Phone Call…

I Beg you, Lord.  Please let this year start different…Please, if anyone can change his heart it is you…

Hence, I ask you, the reader, Please, please…Please, Pray for us…

That if it be God’s Will that I have my Little Angel, that his Dad let me go and pick him up.

And, that if it NOT be His Will, then that I may have the resignation to accept it…

I’ll keep you posted…

Oh, and there will be a whole new can of worms that I will be opening in the New Year…I have a feeling I am not the only one dealing with Immaturity, Selfishness and Evil Fits of Anger at home…

God Love You All…